It’s a rainy day and activity is confined to indoors.
I’ll start journalling today. Why not?
I started writing with pen and paper, then moved to the laptop.
Then I searched and amazingly found my old blog site (the setting had been changed to private) so I've decided to publish these ramblings to the blog, also for no particular reason.
My blog started in 2001, over 20 years ago, on this site, before getting a rather pretty makeover and moving to this current URL.
The blog has tracked an apparent progression through the seeking journey - an apparent individual person seeking the meaning of this life, mostly through Buddhist practice, yoga practice, meditation and contemplation.
There were insights, mystical experiences and awakenings along the way.
Until it finally dawned that there is no meaning to life, nothing to seek, no path, no special state to reach and no individual person.
There is only this moment continuously unfolding, with whatever it contains and the raw experience of it. Nothing else.
Re-reading some of the blog entries inspires the Fictional Me to re-engage with yoga.
It will never be the same. The yoga relationship withered away when the identity broke down (starting in 2011) and seeking subsided. Now it would be more of a physical support mechanism, no longer a spiritual practice, an idea that would have reviled me during the past 40 years of spiritual seeking through the yoga path.
Laying over a block is simply delicious, so is hanging out softly in a forward bend.
No pose mastery is needed, just some gentle physical therapy to start cleaning the blocked energy channels again and decrease pain associated with the ageing process.
Though I must admit, I do look longingly on at those 60 plus women with silky long grey hair, and toned yoga bodies draped in yak shawls and scarves, surrounded by nature and artistic beauty. That was always the future vision for this individual. Well sorry, Life didn’t comply.
I have 4 weeks in front of me with almost no commitments due to a hiaitus from work.
And after that I don’t know what will eventuate with my work situation.
I’ve made a silly list: daily exercise, yoga, journalling and meditation, drink 2 litres of water etc etc.
I’ve pencilled into my calendar a few events and catch ups that are on the social horizon.
All surface activities.
My 62nd birthday is in two days, really a non event, a meaningless marker of relative earth time passing by, but it sits there as a reminder that change is continuous, that the physical and mental processes are slowing down, and that this lifetime is less than a drop in the ocean.
So why not splash around.
Awakening and enlightenment are nothing special. There is simply no longer a goal. There is no longer even a person aiming for a goal, ANY goal for that matter. Life is simply happening to nobody. What was sought has been found by no one.
So why not splash around.
Yes, I'll start journalling my journey into old age.
Having just written this, I am aware of how much I miss writing so it is for the joy of writing and passing the time that I do this, not for any other reason.
Reflections on the body
I spent the morning interspersing activity with some occasional yoga stretches and leg lifts. It wasn’t a yoga practice at all, just general maintenance.
Simply backbends, supported over a block then a chair, also Camel pose, are my daily essentials to counteract the cervical spine injury (sustained over 2 years ago in a Shoulderstand).
Apart from the usual feeling of ‘thickness’ in the right side of my neck, there are no major concerns today.
I felt a little anxiety creeping in mid morning, that slight constriction in the chest area and breathing, but it subsided within 15 minutes.
Reflections on thoughts
Without work to focus on, the mind is grasping at straws. I realise the extent to which work gives the identity meaning, purpose and something to do. I’m lucky to have this break, to break the cycle of stress, tension and focussed attention on functioning within society.
But it takes a little while to decondition the mental habit of doing
This morning was an example. My first real free day. The rain keeps me inside. I wander aimlessly from room to room. Occasional yoga stretch, occasional planning, but mostly aimless wandering.
Nowhere to go, nothing to do.
Mind is seeking stimulation and distraction, but there is also this subtle noticing and rejection of that seeking energy. There is also an acceptance of all of this. It is just what’s happening. And I just notice.
I notice the judging thoughts – wasting time, taking the easy path
I notice the tiny fear thoughts – no job, no future, no income, and retreating into a comfortable solitude that is a closing down to life.