Saturday 16th May 2009
“Spiritualia videri non possunt nisi quis vacet a terrenis.”
trans: Spiritual things cannot be seen, unless one is emptied of worldly things.
“Contemplation will be denied to a man in proportion as he belongs to the world.” St Thomas Aquinas
“A man must withdraw his desires form all the ambitions, the external satisfactions and the temporal interest this world has to offer, for spiritual things cannot be appreciated or understood by the mind that is occupied with superficial and merely external satisfactions.”
5 weeks have passed since the self-directed retreat. From past experience I know that the more permanent psychological/spiritual changes that result from a retreat cannot be seen, felt or understood until at least a couple of months after.
Initial feelings of peace, wellbeing and commitment to practice often wear off within a few weeks while deep within the unconscious mind the more permanent changes are being established.
My intensified yoga practice is the most visible outcome of the retreat, but it is simply an external manifestation of an accelerated inner practice. The subtle psychological changes that continue to evolve and shape my inner life since the retreat are difficult to articulate but their effect on my yoga practice is evident.
The retreat must have removed some samskaras and obstacles; it has unleashed an intense wave of desire for liberation.
Most noticeable since the retreat is a profound sincerity and commitment to the spiritual path and an infusion of spiritual vitality, an abundance of energy and joy that is manifesting in this strong desire to practice – not just yoga, but meditation, contemplation, anything that will intensify this presence of God. My eyes and heart are steadfastly fixated on the inner gaze that penetrates Reality.
Every moment of every day is now experienced through a penetrating lens. I am seeing through the thickly encrusted layers and into the heart of everything.
It is scary and beautiful to be this close to the Divine…my own heart and Truth.
There is no compromising, nothing is negotiable. It's all or nothing.
The fire that has been lit in my heart is growing stronger every day, burning away anything irrelevant in my life, anything that doesn’t align with my deepest Truth. I cannot take part in petty conversations with false personas. I want to rip people open and expose their hearts so they can touch the divine source of their being. Only then can we really communicate.
My heart beats faster as it expands, the air is charged with impending contact, transformation, fusion.
I practice yoga almost daily now:
today: Saturday 7am practice with Kosta - over 2 hours
yesterday : Friday 6am Ashtanga Primary practice with Renate in the Gallery - 2 hours
Monday/Tuesday/Thursday: a variety of solo practices both Ashtanga and Iyengar.
Traumatic restrictions in my lower back and hips are loosening, allowing enthusiasm and joy to replace the subconscious resistance to practice that has stifled me for over 2 years.
I have now broken the 2 year habit of hitting the snooze button and sleeping in every morning. My heart is pouring into my practice.
And most evenings I am religiously making the time to sit in meditation/contemplation before bed.
I WANT to get up early and practice daily, I am burning with the desire to practice; the Beloved Creator is drawing me into his centre and the way in is through the elevated mindstate created within practice.