2 July 2010

Lost and found

Turning 50, I realize I am completely and utterly lost.
Being lost is very humbling.
At first it's disorientating
Then it gets dark...and quiet.
I am nowhere.
Being lost I realize I am so so SO not special, all I am is nobody.

Turning 50, I realize my body is deteriorating daily.
Yoga practice hurts and I never thought that would happen.
I have always approached yoga as a spiritual practice, a tool to purify my body and mind in preparation for enlightenment; regular asana strengthened and opened my body – it was so gratifying to practice, to feel the changes, to peel away layers of resistance and conditioning, to watch the evolution of my body and mind.
There was a momentum upwards.

Now asana practice hurts and I approach it with great trepidation and caution.
The momentum is downwards.

Sitting in Baddha Konasana, hands clasped around my feet, where once I could bend deeply forward, opening through the groins to kiss the floor, now I am stuck upright, alarmed by the prospect of any forward movement. My back hurts a lot just thinking about it.
Getting out of bed in the morning hurts.

Sometimes, sitting in meditation cools the fiery flames.
At least I can sit…and breathe…and let go...and be present…no longer lost, just here where I am. Except when my back and my hips ache (which is most of the time) and I sit in a heated whirlpool of chitta vrittis.

Turning 50, I realize whatever I thought I had, has been taken away from me.
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
And I have unconsciously orchestrated it all in preparation for the next phase of life.

Eileen Caddy once said that when you have lost everything what a wonderful opportunity you have to start over.

Starting over is part of a continuing journey.

Turning 50 is beautiful.

"Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two my life flows."
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

"Yoga is the most embarrassing thing. It is the unfolding of your mental process. It is embarrassing because we see we have an infinitely big ego that is unlimitedly stupid."
Richard Freeman


roselil said...

Happy birthday to you! Turning 50 is a big milestone in life, so I hope you celebrate accordingly. And just keep on doing your practice and everything will come back to you.

sarah said...

May the 50s be a delicious exploration of being. It has seemed as though my body is designed to remind me that the whole thing is an exploration and that this moment is all there is to it. Your post shakes my heart. I hope you will be discovering that even with the aches and strange new sensations the practice offers possibilities never imagined. My yoga practice began when I was 47... and I'm 56 now.

Find joy in the rising sun, in the setting sun, in the smell of fresh herbs, in the sensation of your feet moving on the earth. Your breath will sustain you. Take care of yourself, not measuring, in sorrow or in joy. I think we get this body so that we can experience life, and turning 50 is just a part of that experience.

I am glad you made it this far, since I only just "met" you!