A sleepless might worrying myself sick about my son. He looked awful last night, barely able to hold himself upright but still fighting against his body’s deterioration, still pleading for some kind of intervention.
We’ll see two more doctors this week, and a neurologist and endocrinologist in about two weeks time. I pray he can last that long. It’s unbearable for him. We were talking last night about admitting him to hospital – that’s the end of the line really. Whatever is wrong in his sytem has not shown up in any tests so far, so no-one is taking him seriously. Yet this once strong, athletic, powerful young man has wasted away to a ghost in 6 months despite eating well and trying to keep up his basic exercise routine.
I got up an hour after the alarm went off and did Surya namaskars, standing poses, a couple of forward bends, a backbend, and a cut down finishing sequence.
My head aches with the heaviness of anguish for the trauma my son is enduring.
Sunday 4th November 2007
I didn’t set my alarm or have any expectation of practising this morning so I woke up in a slightly better mood – no guilt or disappointment in myself.
I threw on some clothes and drove up to Horsenell Gully for a walk. At some point in the middle of the walk, the sun disappeared behind a cloud. A freaky torrent of rain poured down and soaked my clothes to my skin. I was drenched. Then the sun came out again as if nothing had happened. Sort of sums up my moods lately. One day I’ll be soaked in my son’s pain and anguish, drowning with the weight of it, next day I’ll rise above it, feeling strong and clear and sunny.
Horsenell Gully saves me from drowning in life’s dramas – the sheer physical work of walking up the steep winding paths reinvigorates my energy system and the energy in natural places is very healing. Good combination.