Fatal attraction

Walking the dogs early this morning, thoughts were allowed to roam as well.

Joy arises watching them (dogs and thoughts).

And while wandering the streets, the imaginary Sally (me) started an imaginary conversation with an imaginary nobody-in-particular.

The conversation led to the story of Mark’s death.

Now, thoughts rarely go to the story of Mark these days.  It’s clearly seen as a chapter in the imaginary story of this character.

During the phantom conversation, the term ‘fatal attraction’ arose.

Memories of ‘love at first sight’.

Memories of ‘falling in love’.

Memories of merging into each other’s depths.

Memories of that night when he left the retreat – and the fallout from his death a few days later.

Memories of events that led to to his death and the following years of ‘trauma’ and break down.

'Fatal' is an interesting word.

It points to ‘fate’ or destiny – that which is inevitable in this lifetime.

Fatal also means an event leading to death.

In an instant, the meandering thought conversation was silenced by revelation.

Our meeting was no coincidence.

Falling into relationship was unavoidable.

Love at first sight was actually a recognition of destiny.

The relationship proved fatal for the physical entity called Mark.  

Our short separation caused him so much suffering that it set off a chain of events, leading to his death. He died from alcohol poisoning, unintentionally.  

 

The relationship was just as fatal for the psychological entity called Sally. 

She also died, just slowly, over the following years.

Thank God.

'Love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the night'

The vast non-dual perspective

My four weeks of ‘holidays’ are almost over and it’s back to work on Monday.
Fortunately my hours are reduced to 3 days a week from next week but it’s a funny situation that I’m in.  With a huge project completed about 6 weeks ago (an application for initial registration and accreditation of an independent higher education institution), there is almost no work for me to do once I return to work.

My boss, the CEO, indicated that I will continue to be paid while the application is being assessed, which can take 9 – 12 months, even though there is little to be done apart from attending a few Board meetings.  In the meantime, he is happy for me to pursue other work opportunities.  Wow, this is a nice position to be in.

So I’ve been cruising around and checking out the job market these past few weeks.  I’ve approached a previous boss (CEO of a Chiropractic College) hoping to convince him that he needs me in a position that hasn’t been created yet (my dream job).  

And I’ve applied for 2 other jobs, though I'm not over excited about either of them.
I’m curious to see what the next couple of months will bring.

And right here, in this very moment of curiosity about the unfolding of this little human life trajectory, is simultaneously the infinitely vast perspective from which the Truth of Existence is seen.

From the 'personal' perspective, I could say that there is a deep trust in the universal process, that it will reveal and present exactly what is needed for this lifetime, but this would be speaking from the perspective of an individual person who is separate from the universe.  

And that’s not what is truly being experienced here.

Instead there is just a quiet flowing with whatever arises, with no need to trust.
What would I be trusting?  What even is the I that would apparently be trusting?
All that seemingly happens in our 'individual lives' or within families, or countries, or planets, or galaxies, does NOT need to have a reason or meaning attributed to it. Reason and meaning are thoughts created and slapped onto life by the illusory ‘person’ who is still bound by limited and conditioned thought patterns.

All that seemingly happens is simply life expressing life through the manifested forms, human and otherwise.  From the contracted sense of self’s point of view, we think we have control over decisions and the direction we move in, but in reality, the sense of an individual person is a complete fabrication.  

How can a phantom control anything?  

Life moves US.  

That is the reality.

And yet, here is a human being, sitting now on a bedroom floor, living out a human life imbued with a past and future thought story, contemplating what work might be around the next corner…. And what to have for dinner.  How stunning!  What a miracle!

Opening to the vast non dual perspective on Life and Truth (translate that as awakening/enlightenment/recognition of true self or whatever) allows a total relaxation into the mystery of all that is happening, seen and unseen.  What was felt as a previously contracted sense of an individual ‘person’ seems to have simply dissolved into the vast flowing mystery that now flows unimpeded as it always has and always will.

Richard Moss and Urdhva Dhanurasana

Richard Moss

This video on the conscious dying process from Richard Moss came up on my feed this morning.  I was momentarily stunned thinking this beautiful teacher may be dying.  But the ‘death’ he spoke about was of the ego.  

Richard has aged since I last watched him a year or so ago.  We all have.  

The message in the video was a timely reminder this morning – I am the subject, the One witnessing consciousness without form or boundaries.  This body, these thoughts and feelings are objects that appear in that One consciousness.  And they are made of that consciousness. 

This is experienced and known deeply here, but now and then the conditioned patterns of fear arise, especially when threatened by pain, illness and physical decline.
So the illusory nature of this life was clearly seen again.  
Surrender drowned out the voices of fear.
And peace returned.

Urdhva Dhanurasana

The backbend is back.

After another led yoga session late this morning (courtesy of Bryan Kests Power Yoga 2), I lingered on the mat for some additional long forward bends, staying at least ten breaths in each.  It’s been such a long time since I engaged with yoga I can hardly remember their names anymore.  Google helped to reacquaint me: Paschimottanasana, Janu Sirsasana, Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana, Marichyasana A.

I thought about attempting Urdhva Dhanurasana and decided to go for it.  Needed to prepare by laying over a block with arms overhead to stretch my shoulders.  Then I pushed up into Urdhva Dh.  It wasn’t easy, but I was able to stay for a few breaths.  Surprisingly, the physical limitation to staying longer seemed to be mostly in my wrists.  Then I came down, took a few breaths and repeated it.

A few quiet seated poses rounded off the practice – Baddha Konasana, Virasana and Gomukasana.

For more than 30 years I believed that yoga was a fountain of youth and that it would prevent any and all kinds of ill health as one aged.  Then I lost my yoga practice completely for 10 years.  And the physical and energetic body contracted with trauma, becoming an external reflection of the inner survival mechanisms.  

Now, living with this cervical spine injury, I am happy to return to the innocent ideal that yoga heals.  I have nothing to lose.  It is a beautiful system that can often repair and rebalance the physical organism.
I am blessed to have learned yoga in my earlier years and to now have the opportunity to experiment with it in a more gentle and curious manner, with no expectations.

Non Duality and Yoga Practice

Running a non duality meetup group for over 4 years has brought the beautiful gift of connecting with like minded people, some who have become close friends.  And for a ‘person’ who doesn’t normally make friends or need friends, this continues to be a cherished experience.

Deeply subtle and authentic conversations are shared.

The unfolding of life is shared.

The challenges and insights are shared.

And there is a knowing that the sharing is with the one beingness.

A recent conversation uncovered a concern about apathy, a judgement put upon the peace experienced in doing nothing.  Lesley has been retired for a few years and she’s had little motivation to do much lately.  Instead she sits and marinates in the peace.  Until judgement creeps in.

 With a few weeks off work, I am experiencing for the first time in many years, the joy of meandering through the day, with no particular tasks to do.

Yet today, I did a morning workout and this afternoon a yoga practice.  In between these I fixed up some long overdue gardening problems and made a raw, vegan dessert.

A relaxing day at home – nowhere to go, nothing to do, yet quietly going about my own business without fuss, without stress, without forcing.  Just flowing gently down the stream.

This is quite different to the motivation behind compiling and completing a list of things to do, or agonising when apathy prevents any kind of action.

If motivation isn’t there, one rests.

This non dual knowing allows and accepts whatever arises.  There is no identity behind the doer that judges.  Life is being done all on its own and in its own time and according to its own unique destiny.

As far as yoga practice goes, today I had a bit of fun with Bryan Kest’s Power Yoga 1, a simple practice, not too difficult as I was not wanting to push this body too far with this serious neck injury and today’s achey shoulder.  Surprisingly, after finishing this one hour practice, the body asked for more and the urge to continue was followed.  Following the invisible prompts, I did Gomukasana with twisted arms in front, Gomukasana with hands clasped behind the thoracic spine, a series of forward bends and twists, then a couple of passive backbends before attempting my first Urdhva Dhanurasana (backbend) in a long time.  No way could I push this body up from the floor which I expect reflects the shoulder problem.  I tried again with blocks under my feet against the wall, then with blocks under my hands, observing the sensations in and around the shoulder area as I tried to engage these muscles.  This area is not firing - the energy/prana feels locked up and blocked up.  

But I so enjoyed trying this pose and quite happy to have a funny little 'improvement' project to work on. 

62 years old

"Must use it wisely, this free time."

These words seep and slither around beneath the conscious thoughts.

It’s a rainy day and activity is confined to indoors. 

I’ll start journalling today.  Why not?

I started writing with pen and paper, then moved to the laptop.

Then I searched and amazingly found my old blog site (the setting had been changed to private) so I've decided to publish these ramblings to the blog, also for no particular reason.

 

My blog started in 2001, over 20 years ago, on this site, before getting a rather pretty makeover and moving to this current URL.

The blog has tracked an apparent progression through the seeking journey - an apparent individual person seeking the meaning of this life, mostly through Buddhist practice, yoga practice, meditation and contemplation.

There were insights, mystical experiences and awakenings along the way.

Until it finally dawned that there is no meaning to life, nothing to seek, no path, no special state to reach and no individual person.

There is only this moment continuously unfolding, with whatever it contains and the raw experience of it.  Nothing else.

 

Re-reading some of the blog entries inspires the Fictional Me to re-engage with yoga. 

It will never be the same.  The yoga relationship withered away when the identity broke down (starting in 2011) and seeking subsided. Now it would be more of a physical support mechanism, no longer a spiritual practice, an idea that would have reviled me during the past 40 years of spiritual seeking through the yoga path.

Laying over a block is simply delicious, so is hanging out softly in a forward bend. 

No pose mastery is needed, just some gentle physical therapy to start cleaning the blocked energy channels again and decrease pain associated with the ageing process.

Though I must admit, I do look longingly on at those 60 plus women with silky long grey hair, and toned yoga bodies draped in yak shawls and scarves, surrounded by nature and artistic beauty.  That was always the future vision for this individual.  Well sorry, Life didn’t comply.

 

I have 4 weeks in front of me with almost no commitments due to a hiaitus from work.

And after that I don’t know what will eventuate with my work situation.

I’ve made a silly list: daily exercise, yoga, journalling and meditation, drink 2 litres of water etc etc.

I’ve pencilled into my calendar a few events and catch ups that are on the social horizon.

All surface activities.

 

My 62nd birthday is in two days, really a non event, a meaningless marker of relative earth time passing by, but it sits there as a reminder that change is continuous, that the physical and mental processes are slowing down, and that this lifetime is less than a drop in the ocean.

So why not splash around.

 

Awakening and enlightenment are nothing special.  There is simply no longer a goal.  There is no longer even a person aiming for a goal, ANY goal for that matter.  Life is simply happening to nobody.  What was sought has been found by no one.

So why not splash around.

Yes, I'll start journalling my journey into old age.

Having just written this, I am aware of how much I miss writing so it is for the joy of writing and passing the time that I do this, not for any other reason.

Reflections on the body

I spent the morning interspersing activity with some occasional yoga stretches and leg lifts.  It wasn’t a yoga practice at all, just general maintenance.

Simply backbends, supported over a block then a chair, also Camel pose, are my daily essentials to counteract the cervical spine injury (sustained over 2 years ago in a Shoulderstand).

Apart from the usual feeling of ‘thickness’ in the right side of my neck, there are no major concerns today.

I felt a little anxiety creeping in mid morning, that slight constriction in the chest area and breathing, but it subsided within 15 minutes.

 

Reflections on thoughts

Without work to focus on, the mind is grasping at straws.  I realise the extent to which work gives the identity meaning, purpose and something to do.  I’m lucky to have this break, to break the cycle of stress, tension and focussed attention on functioning within society.

 

But it takes a little while to decondition the mental habit of doing

 

This morning was an example.  My first real free day.  The rain keeps me inside. I wander aimlessly from room to room.  Occasional yoga stretch, occasional planning, but mostly aimless wandering. 

Nowhere to go, nothing to do. 

Mind is seeking stimulation and distraction, but there is also this subtle noticing and rejection of that seeking energy.  There is also an acceptance of all of this.  It is just what’s happening.  And I just notice.

I notice the judging thoughts – wasting time, taking the easy path

I notice the tiny fear thoughts – no job, no future, no income, and retreating into a comfortable solitude that is a closing down to life.