I move quietly through the first Sun Salute, my heart isn't in it, and neither is my mind or my body.
One is enough. If I were in a yoga class I'd just keep going, doing what was instructed, but here at home on my mat, I have no reason to push past the emotional resistance.
Dog Pose provides a comforting nest in which I settle for a while...the Ujiyya breath starts to come, I listen to it and watch the changing sensations through my body as I implement a few simple actions in the pose, attempting to penetrate the mental cloud.
My energy is as low as my mood. I could use my yoga practice to lift both of these... implement a stronger rhythmic breath, press open a few good backbends...but instead I opt for a simple Headstand. I stay for 50 breaths, 7 minutes.
After resting in Child's Pose I stand and stretch out into Trikonasana, initiating the side bend to the right by sliding the pelvic floor to the left. The pose evolves naturally from the inside out when the point of origin is deeply internal.
Sirsasana and Trikonasana - that is practice done for today.
20 January 2011
19 January 2011
Glenn Ceresoli's workshop
Behind every unconscious impulse and conscious decision lies a motivation.
Discovering the REAL motivation behind what we do helps to uncover our hidden desires, but it takes quite a lot of digging and tunnelling into the dark areas of the psyche.
So what motivation lurked behind the impulse to sign up for Glenn Ceresoli's 3 day yoga workshop this year?
I think I’ve done six or seven of Glenn’s workshops in the past, the last one in January 2008. Glenn is a highly gifted and exceptional yoga/spiritual teacher, but I remember feeling in the last two workshops that I learned nothing new from him, that I had exhausted what he could offer me.
Yet it is Glenn's teachings over the last 8 years that have most influenced my approach to yoga practice. Asana is simply a tool that Glenn uses to bring about conscious awareness, alignment of intention and action, utter presence, clarity and peace of mind. His approach to yoga practice is my approach. It is authentic, disturbingly confrontational, and relentless in its quest to uncover unconscious and unproductive thought patterns and reactions.
Through Glenn’s teachings I’ve been INformed and TRANSformed.
So when I heard from Kosta just after Christmas that Glenn would be here in January, there was a lot to consider.
Was I being foolish to even think about committing to three days of intense yoga while still subject to unpredicatable emotions and moods?
The impulse to do the 3 day workshop (6 sessions) was strong. I really needed to uncover the motivation behind the impulse. In order of importance, this is what I found:
1) DISTRACTION - The strongest desire was for a distraction to direct my attention away from Mark's death. Grief is a natural human response to death and I have allowed it to takes its course, but wallowing in self pity is unproductive spiritual sabotage. A few days immersed in an intense yoga practice may help lift my mental focus out of the self pity trap.
2) RECONNECTION - Its been nearly 2 years since I've been in a yoga studio and I do miss being part of the lovely community of yoga teachers here. Engaging in casual conversations is irritating, but there is a desire to connect with the community of people who I share a common interest with.
3) VARIETY - Glenn's yoga is closer to my current, more reflective Iyengar practice now than it was a few years ago. When I did his last two workshops my daily practice was in the more flowing Ashtanga style. But the value in Glenn’s teaching is his ability to pull you right into the moment. And there is always benefit in doing long forgotten poses and exploring common ones from a different perspective.
Friday 13 January 2011
DAY 1 morning session (6-8.45am)
Prepared for my unpredictable emotions to keep me in bed at 5.15am this morning, I was relieved to wake up with neither resistance nor tears. About 30 or so people were at Glenn’s first 6am session. Feeling humble, I choose a spot in the very back corner where I feel protected and unnoticed. Glenn talks a lot in the first session, making his intention clear, setting the flavour of the workshop. His intention is to bring the light of self awareness into our practice.
We only do a few poses in this first session:
Supta Baddha Konasana over a bolster, hands interlocked and placed on top of the head with palms facing up
Ado Mukha Virasana (knees apart)
Cross Legged Forward Bend
Dandasana
Dog Pose
Trikonasana
Virabhadrasana 2
Ardha Chandrasana
But that takes two and a half hours.
I get to work 15 minutes late.
Unfortunately having to rush off to work straight after the session didn't allow me time to reflect on what Glenn said or to remember many points.
Glenn's words flow directly through my psyche and out into the poses in the moment. I am completely engrossed in his teaching.
I remember he spoke about Action, Reaction Interaction. Apply an action while in an asana, watch the reaction, then integrate what you have learned into the psyche so it will automatically infiltrate other poses. This is the interaction.
To illustrate, Glenn reels off some instructions while in Dandasana and when applying them, we observe the flow on physical, mental and emotional reaction - some quite obvious, some more subtle. Then in the following poses we transfer the same instructions and apply the same principles.
Some instructions were easily accessible - like moving the thoracic spine towards the sternum and the sternum towards the navel, or the top of the pubic bone towards the sacrum. Others were more subtle psychological instructions - like remaining calm and clear when the body is under pressure and the survival instinct kicks in, or finding interest and staying in a pose when boredom niggles at us.
As we turn our feet out for Trikonasana, Glenn points out our habit of looking down at them. Only beginners need to look where their feet are and none of us are beginners - we must sense the placement of our feet, and trust that sense if we want to move on from beginner's mind.
In Trikonasana, my entire body responds to a simple visualisation - the arms should form one straight line, like a thread, from left fingertips to right fingertips, the collarbones at the centre of the line. With this simple internal picture, I feel my arms align to the internal ley line.
DAY 1 Evening session (6-8.30pm)
Supta Baddha Konasana, as before
Virasana with arms extended up and hands interlaced, palms up
Dog Pose
Half Dog Pose to wall
Half handstand, feet up the wall
Uttanasana, feet apart, sitting bones pressed into the wall
Prep for Pincha Mayurasana: we kneel with elbows on the floor into a corner of the wall, forearms are up the wall, back of hands flat against the wall with the little finger side of the hands holding the block betweent them. Straighten legs, walk in to the maximum, pressing the upper back into the block then lift up heels as high as possible.
Half Pincha Mayurasana - facing centre of room, forearms to the floor, with feet halfway up the wall, then lifting alternate legs
Full Pincha Mayurasana
Bridge pose on a block lifting the pelvis up halfway and allowing the block to pull the skin down on the back (this was the Grief Pose I thought I invented a few days ago)
Laying back through a chair with hands gipping the rung
Bridge pose, block under sacrum
At some point in the middle of the Pincha Mayurasanas, Glenn gave an analogy (I can’t remember the context) about meeting a stranger and not caring if they pass quickly out of your life, and how different it is when we are attached to someone who leaves us - how much we miss them. That just cut right into my open wound. The tears came in the middle of the class, there was no hiding. For a moment I thought about walking out with tears streaming down my face, but I pulled myself together and tried to reconnect with what Glenn was saying instead of swimming around in how much I miss Mark.
DAY 2 morning session (7.30-10am)
I remember very little from this session because as soon as it had finished I went into panic - Glenn and 3 other senior teachers were coming to my place for dinner. Suddenly I had to plan food, shop, cook dinner and dessert, tidy and clean my dishevelled house, take Buffydog to my son's place (Darrin was bringing his lovely dog Marley) , and all in the 4 hours between the morning and afternoon yoga session.
I remember doing Parsvottanasana
Virabhadrasana 1
Virabhadrasana 3 - which I couldn't do because of my damaged lumbar
and Handstand to the wall
The other poses escaped in the blizzard of manic activity that followed this session.
DAY 2 afternoon session (4.00-6.30pm)
Supta Padangusthasana, firstly with the leg straight, then lowering it to the side, then lowering it across the body. The entire sequence, holding the leg in each position for an eternity on both sides, took about one hour.
Viparitta Dandasana over a chair
Glenn's favourite backbend - laying through the back of the chair with hands holding the back rail (little fingers touching near the centre)
Upavista Konasana
Paschimottanasana with a bolster
Sarvangasana, Eka Pada Sarvangasana, Halasana, Karna Pindasana
Eka Pada Sarvangasana then lowering both feet to the wall for a Setu Bandha variation
Dinner
It was an honour and a privilege to host dinner on Saturday night for Glenn and the three senior teachers. Each one is amazing and unique in their own way and dedicated to teaching and living their yoga. It wasn't until later that I realised they each so perfectly embody an element: Glenn is fire; Simi is water, Kosta is air, Darrin is earth (well maybe Kosta and Darrin could be a 50/50 mix of air and earth). Whatever, the four elements were all gathered around the table in my big, empty ballroom, illuminated by the candlelight and the inner glow of their own unique presence.
DAY 3 - morning session (7.30-10am)
My body had stiffened and my mental state was heavy.
Supta Baddha Konasana
Ado Mukha Virasana
Trikonasana
Parivritta Trikonasana
Parivritta Parsvakonasana - started by kneeling on the back knee with the front leg bent, then raising the back leg while keeping the pelvis the same distance from the floor. We had to do this a couple of times before we could do it properly. Once lifted, the back leg has to work like Dog Pose.
Virabhadrasana 1 - a block under my front foot helped alleviate the compression in my lumbar
Upward Dog pose starting with the front pelvis into the front of a chair and the hands on the chair seat. Elbows are bent, but once straightened the instruction is to extend the triceps into the elbows which lifts the upper chest and helps the thoracic spine move deeply into the body. The little toe side of the foot must stretch towards the outer knee.
Upward Dog Pose from the floor with toes tucked under
Dhanurasana
Ustrasana
Setu Bandha
Urdhva Dhanurasana
Some quick counter poses because we'd run way overtime: Cross legged forward bend with a block pressed diagonally from the floor into the lower abdomen, then Paschimottanasana.
DAY 3 afternoon session (4.00 - 6.30pm)
I arrive at the studio 20 minutes late for the afternoon session, thinking it started at 4.30.
Mind in a cloud somewhere today.
I set up my mat and props and join the others in Janu Sirsasana, a block betwen the inner thigh and the sole of the foot.
Parivritta Janu Sirsasana, much easier for me than Janu Sirsasana - side bending is less restricted by my spine and joints than forward bending
Baddha Konasana - I can't bend forward more than a couple of inches today, so stay almost upright while mostly everyone else has their heads to the floor. I don’t care at all.
Upavista Konasana
Some shoulder opening poses through the chair
A headstand preparation to the wall with forearms up the wall, palms open and back of the hands pressed against the wall; head is to the floor and the torso and legs are in a Dog Pose position.
Headstand, raising the legs together - lots of anatomical instructions to go with this – start with the knees and feet as close to the nose as possible, pelvis over shoulders, press inner edges of wrists down, extend triceps into elbows, move thoracic spine towards sternum and slide sternum down towards the navel...etc...etc...
Supported shoulderstand in a chair, then some variations 1) legs lift up to the ceiling for a few minutes, 2) bend knees and put feet on the back of the chair, 3) drop the kness out to the sides like Baddha Konasana 4) lift the legs over to Halasana - I couldn't, my lumbar body parts couldn't support the move from the semi backbend (the sacrum was still planted on the chair in this supported Shoulderstand) over into the forward bending Halasana position.
Glenn imparted so much information during this workshop, not so much about the asanas, but mostly about how to work with the mind through the asana.
Being fully in the experience, I was content to follow wherever he led me, to observe and explore the internal landscapes. I was happy to let his instructions wash through my being then let them go, not harden my mind and pollute the purity of my experience by trying to capture and record them.
Earlier this year, I spent a magical evening watching the changing colours of a golden sunset on Uluru (Ayers Rock) in central Australia. Mesmerised by its mystical aura, I wanted to remain receptive, sensitive to whatever energies, messages, visions, feelings were available to my expanding range of senses in this sacred place. Around me were a hundred tourists, obsessively trying to capture images of Uluru on their cameras and mobile phones to take home and show their friends and families. Click, click, click...
They were there, but they weren't experiencing Uluru with all their senses.
Small mind was suffocating big mind.
This can happen in a yoga workshop - you can be so busy trying to record images and information for future recall that you miss the gift of being fully present.
Dropping below the surface I was able to stay in the direct unfiltered experience, with no click, click, click recording going on.
Hopefully my subconscious mind recorded some of Glenn’s wisdom and will slow release it over time to drip feed my malnourished practice.
After the final Savasana on Sunday evening, the workshop is over.
I say a few goodbyes to people I may not see for at least another year.
There are too many people milling around Glenn, asking questions, vying for that last little bit of the teacher's attention, so I don't say goodbye to Glenn.
As soon as I leave, I regret that, but its too late.
The three day workshop is over...another ending...I come home and cry.
I walk from one room to another and back again, three or four times, lost, in my own home.
Just lost.
The celebration of Mark's life was held today at 2pm. I could have gone betwen the yoga sessions, but I didn't. I felt no need to talk to strangers, Mark's friends, colleagues and neighbours that I'd never met, no point meeting them now or hearing them talk about the Mark they knew.
It's all too late. It's all over.
I sit in my meditation corner and cry.
I apologise to Mark for not going to the celebration, he may have been there in spirit and noticed my absence. He’d understand.
I sit in the corner and call him to me, silently, earnestly, as if the yearning in my heart will bring him back, into my room, to dry my tears and hold me again.
The yoga workshop provided a good distraction – Desire number 1 fulfilled.
It also reconnected me to old yoga buddies and teachers again – Desire number 2 fulfilled.
And I enjoyed every bit of the asana work that Glenn fed to me – Desire number 3 fulfilled.
Work has also provided an enormous distraction, there’s been little time to think about anything else. Last week, busy as a bee, I actually felt quite positive about my situation.
But in the quiet times, when I'm not busy, I can feel the huge lump of sadness sitting heavily in my heart. There is more to this lump of sadness than I can currently comprehend. It is much bigger than the grief associated with losing Mark. It has something to do with the existential loneliness of our human predicament, our longing for connection and for a love that doesn’t die.
I need some dedicated solitary time to myself to delve deeper into the meaning of this sadness, to discover the gift and the wisdom that await me somewhere beyond the surface of Mark’s death. So I am planning a weekend away, somewhere on my own...a tent, a sleeping bag, a long open road leading to a deserted beach or a bush campsite...and two full days of open space with no other commitments... it's time to reflect on the meaning of all of this...
Discovering the REAL motivation behind what we do helps to uncover our hidden desires, but it takes quite a lot of digging and tunnelling into the dark areas of the psyche.
So what motivation lurked behind the impulse to sign up for Glenn Ceresoli's 3 day yoga workshop this year?
I think I’ve done six or seven of Glenn’s workshops in the past, the last one in January 2008. Glenn is a highly gifted and exceptional yoga/spiritual teacher, but I remember feeling in the last two workshops that I learned nothing new from him, that I had exhausted what he could offer me.
Yet it is Glenn's teachings over the last 8 years that have most influenced my approach to yoga practice. Asana is simply a tool that Glenn uses to bring about conscious awareness, alignment of intention and action, utter presence, clarity and peace of mind. His approach to yoga practice is my approach. It is authentic, disturbingly confrontational, and relentless in its quest to uncover unconscious and unproductive thought patterns and reactions.
Through Glenn’s teachings I’ve been INformed and TRANSformed.
So when I heard from Kosta just after Christmas that Glenn would be here in January, there was a lot to consider.
Was I being foolish to even think about committing to three days of intense yoga while still subject to unpredicatable emotions and moods?
The impulse to do the 3 day workshop (6 sessions) was strong. I really needed to uncover the motivation behind the impulse. In order of importance, this is what I found:
1) DISTRACTION - The strongest desire was for a distraction to direct my attention away from Mark's death. Grief is a natural human response to death and I have allowed it to takes its course, but wallowing in self pity is unproductive spiritual sabotage. A few days immersed in an intense yoga practice may help lift my mental focus out of the self pity trap.
2) RECONNECTION - Its been nearly 2 years since I've been in a yoga studio and I do miss being part of the lovely community of yoga teachers here. Engaging in casual conversations is irritating, but there is a desire to connect with the community of people who I share a common interest with.
3) VARIETY - Glenn's yoga is closer to my current, more reflective Iyengar practice now than it was a few years ago. When I did his last two workshops my daily practice was in the more flowing Ashtanga style. But the value in Glenn’s teaching is his ability to pull you right into the moment. And there is always benefit in doing long forgotten poses and exploring common ones from a different perspective.
Friday 13 January 2011
DAY 1 morning session (6-8.45am)
Prepared for my unpredictable emotions to keep me in bed at 5.15am this morning, I was relieved to wake up with neither resistance nor tears. About 30 or so people were at Glenn’s first 6am session. Feeling humble, I choose a spot in the very back corner where I feel protected and unnoticed. Glenn talks a lot in the first session, making his intention clear, setting the flavour of the workshop. His intention is to bring the light of self awareness into our practice.
We only do a few poses in this first session:
Supta Baddha Konasana over a bolster, hands interlocked and placed on top of the head with palms facing up
Ado Mukha Virasana (knees apart)
Cross Legged Forward Bend
Dandasana
Dog Pose
Trikonasana
Virabhadrasana 2
Ardha Chandrasana
But that takes two and a half hours.
I get to work 15 minutes late.
Unfortunately having to rush off to work straight after the session didn't allow me time to reflect on what Glenn said or to remember many points.
Glenn's words flow directly through my psyche and out into the poses in the moment. I am completely engrossed in his teaching.
I remember he spoke about Action, Reaction Interaction. Apply an action while in an asana, watch the reaction, then integrate what you have learned into the psyche so it will automatically infiltrate other poses. This is the interaction.
To illustrate, Glenn reels off some instructions while in Dandasana and when applying them, we observe the flow on physical, mental and emotional reaction - some quite obvious, some more subtle. Then in the following poses we transfer the same instructions and apply the same principles.
Some instructions were easily accessible - like moving the thoracic spine towards the sternum and the sternum towards the navel, or the top of the pubic bone towards the sacrum. Others were more subtle psychological instructions - like remaining calm and clear when the body is under pressure and the survival instinct kicks in, or finding interest and staying in a pose when boredom niggles at us.
As we turn our feet out for Trikonasana, Glenn points out our habit of looking down at them. Only beginners need to look where their feet are and none of us are beginners - we must sense the placement of our feet, and trust that sense if we want to move on from beginner's mind.
In Trikonasana, my entire body responds to a simple visualisation - the arms should form one straight line, like a thread, from left fingertips to right fingertips, the collarbones at the centre of the line. With this simple internal picture, I feel my arms align to the internal ley line.
DAY 1 Evening session (6-8.30pm)
Supta Baddha Konasana, as before
Virasana with arms extended up and hands interlaced, palms up
Dog Pose
Half Dog Pose to wall
Half handstand, feet up the wall
Uttanasana, feet apart, sitting bones pressed into the wall
Prep for Pincha Mayurasana: we kneel with elbows on the floor into a corner of the wall, forearms are up the wall, back of hands flat against the wall with the little finger side of the hands holding the block betweent them. Straighten legs, walk in to the maximum, pressing the upper back into the block then lift up heels as high as possible.
Half Pincha Mayurasana - facing centre of room, forearms to the floor, with feet halfway up the wall, then lifting alternate legs
Full Pincha Mayurasana
Bridge pose on a block lifting the pelvis up halfway and allowing the block to pull the skin down on the back (this was the Grief Pose I thought I invented a few days ago)
Laying back through a chair with hands gipping the rung
Bridge pose, block under sacrum
At some point in the middle of the Pincha Mayurasanas, Glenn gave an analogy (I can’t remember the context) about meeting a stranger and not caring if they pass quickly out of your life, and how different it is when we are attached to someone who leaves us - how much we miss them. That just cut right into my open wound. The tears came in the middle of the class, there was no hiding. For a moment I thought about walking out with tears streaming down my face, but I pulled myself together and tried to reconnect with what Glenn was saying instead of swimming around in how much I miss Mark.
DAY 2 morning session (7.30-10am)
I remember very little from this session because as soon as it had finished I went into panic - Glenn and 3 other senior teachers were coming to my place for dinner. Suddenly I had to plan food, shop, cook dinner and dessert, tidy and clean my dishevelled house, take Buffydog to my son's place (Darrin was bringing his lovely dog Marley) , and all in the 4 hours between the morning and afternoon yoga session.
I remember doing Parsvottanasana
Virabhadrasana 1
Virabhadrasana 3 - which I couldn't do because of my damaged lumbar
and Handstand to the wall
The other poses escaped in the blizzard of manic activity that followed this session.
DAY 2 afternoon session (4.00-6.30pm)
Supta Padangusthasana, firstly with the leg straight, then lowering it to the side, then lowering it across the body. The entire sequence, holding the leg in each position for an eternity on both sides, took about one hour.
Viparitta Dandasana over a chair
Glenn's favourite backbend - laying through the back of the chair with hands holding the back rail (little fingers touching near the centre)
Upavista Konasana
Paschimottanasana with a bolster
Sarvangasana, Eka Pada Sarvangasana, Halasana, Karna Pindasana
Eka Pada Sarvangasana then lowering both feet to the wall for a Setu Bandha variation
Dinner
It was an honour and a privilege to host dinner on Saturday night for Glenn and the three senior teachers. Each one is amazing and unique in their own way and dedicated to teaching and living their yoga. It wasn't until later that I realised they each so perfectly embody an element: Glenn is fire; Simi is water, Kosta is air, Darrin is earth (well maybe Kosta and Darrin could be a 50/50 mix of air and earth). Whatever, the four elements were all gathered around the table in my big, empty ballroom, illuminated by the candlelight and the inner glow of their own unique presence.
DAY 3 - morning session (7.30-10am)
My body had stiffened and my mental state was heavy.
Supta Baddha Konasana
Ado Mukha Virasana
Trikonasana
Parivritta Trikonasana
Parivritta Parsvakonasana - started by kneeling on the back knee with the front leg bent, then raising the back leg while keeping the pelvis the same distance from the floor. We had to do this a couple of times before we could do it properly. Once lifted, the back leg has to work like Dog Pose.
Virabhadrasana 1 - a block under my front foot helped alleviate the compression in my lumbar
Upward Dog pose starting with the front pelvis into the front of a chair and the hands on the chair seat. Elbows are bent, but once straightened the instruction is to extend the triceps into the elbows which lifts the upper chest and helps the thoracic spine move deeply into the body. The little toe side of the foot must stretch towards the outer knee.
Upward Dog Pose from the floor with toes tucked under
Dhanurasana
Ustrasana
Setu Bandha
Urdhva Dhanurasana
Some quick counter poses because we'd run way overtime: Cross legged forward bend with a block pressed diagonally from the floor into the lower abdomen, then Paschimottanasana.
DAY 3 afternoon session (4.00 - 6.30pm)
I arrive at the studio 20 minutes late for the afternoon session, thinking it started at 4.30.
Mind in a cloud somewhere today.
I set up my mat and props and join the others in Janu Sirsasana, a block betwen the inner thigh and the sole of the foot.
Parivritta Janu Sirsasana, much easier for me than Janu Sirsasana - side bending is less restricted by my spine and joints than forward bending
Baddha Konasana - I can't bend forward more than a couple of inches today, so stay almost upright while mostly everyone else has their heads to the floor. I don’t care at all.
Upavista Konasana
Some shoulder opening poses through the chair
A headstand preparation to the wall with forearms up the wall, palms open and back of the hands pressed against the wall; head is to the floor and the torso and legs are in a Dog Pose position.
Headstand, raising the legs together - lots of anatomical instructions to go with this – start with the knees and feet as close to the nose as possible, pelvis over shoulders, press inner edges of wrists down, extend triceps into elbows, move thoracic spine towards sternum and slide sternum down towards the navel...etc...etc...
Supported shoulderstand in a chair, then some variations 1) legs lift up to the ceiling for a few minutes, 2) bend knees and put feet on the back of the chair, 3) drop the kness out to the sides like Baddha Konasana 4) lift the legs over to Halasana - I couldn't, my lumbar body parts couldn't support the move from the semi backbend (the sacrum was still planted on the chair in this supported Shoulderstand) over into the forward bending Halasana position.
Glenn imparted so much information during this workshop, not so much about the asanas, but mostly about how to work with the mind through the asana.
Being fully in the experience, I was content to follow wherever he led me, to observe and explore the internal landscapes. I was happy to let his instructions wash through my being then let them go, not harden my mind and pollute the purity of my experience by trying to capture and record them.
Earlier this year, I spent a magical evening watching the changing colours of a golden sunset on Uluru (Ayers Rock) in central Australia. Mesmerised by its mystical aura, I wanted to remain receptive, sensitive to whatever energies, messages, visions, feelings were available to my expanding range of senses in this sacred place. Around me were a hundred tourists, obsessively trying to capture images of Uluru on their cameras and mobile phones to take home and show their friends and families. Click, click, click...
They were there, but they weren't experiencing Uluru with all their senses.
Small mind was suffocating big mind.
This can happen in a yoga workshop - you can be so busy trying to record images and information for future recall that you miss the gift of being fully present.
Dropping below the surface I was able to stay in the direct unfiltered experience, with no click, click, click recording going on.
Hopefully my subconscious mind recorded some of Glenn’s wisdom and will slow release it over time to drip feed my malnourished practice.
After the final Savasana on Sunday evening, the workshop is over.
I say a few goodbyes to people I may not see for at least another year.
There are too many people milling around Glenn, asking questions, vying for that last little bit of the teacher's attention, so I don't say goodbye to Glenn.
As soon as I leave, I regret that, but its too late.
The three day workshop is over...another ending...I come home and cry.
I walk from one room to another and back again, three or four times, lost, in my own home.
Just lost.
The celebration of Mark's life was held today at 2pm. I could have gone betwen the yoga sessions, but I didn't. I felt no need to talk to strangers, Mark's friends, colleagues and neighbours that I'd never met, no point meeting them now or hearing them talk about the Mark they knew.
It's all too late. It's all over.
I sit in my meditation corner and cry.
I apologise to Mark for not going to the celebration, he may have been there in spirit and noticed my absence. He’d understand.
I sit in the corner and call him to me, silently, earnestly, as if the yearning in my heart will bring him back, into my room, to dry my tears and hold me again.
The yoga workshop provided a good distraction – Desire number 1 fulfilled.
It also reconnected me to old yoga buddies and teachers again – Desire number 2 fulfilled.
And I enjoyed every bit of the asana work that Glenn fed to me – Desire number 3 fulfilled.
Work has also provided an enormous distraction, there’s been little time to think about anything else. Last week, busy as a bee, I actually felt quite positive about my situation.
But in the quiet times, when I'm not busy, I can feel the huge lump of sadness sitting heavily in my heart. There is more to this lump of sadness than I can currently comprehend. It is much bigger than the grief associated with losing Mark. It has something to do with the existential loneliness of our human predicament, our longing for connection and for a love that doesn’t die.
I need some dedicated solitary time to myself to delve deeper into the meaning of this sadness, to discover the gift and the wisdom that await me somewhere beyond the surface of Mark’s death. So I am planning a weekend away, somewhere on my own...a tent, a sleeping bag, a long open road leading to a deserted beach or a bush campsite...and two full days of open space with no other commitments... it's time to reflect on the meaning of all of this...
9 January 2011
Revisiting Wandering Aengus
Wandering Aengus, by W B Yeats....what magical force prompted Mark to send me this poem on 6th October. The poem had a profound effect on me then, like a love potion - I fell in love with Mark immediately.Since his death, the poem has risen to attain a mythical status in my life, transporting me back to a dream shared and a love lost.
Being very romantic, Mark would have identified with Wandering Aengus.
It’s ironic that now I am the one who has become Wandering Aengus.
I go out into the bush and wander alone.
I sit by the creeks and watch the wildlife.
I am at home here, solitary, surrounded by nature.
Magic is all around us, no matter where we are – the city, suburbs, the country, desert, forest - but out in the bush is where I feel it most. The Australian bush is often a harsh environment but it pulses with a fiery and ancient heartbeat; natural forces are undiluted by human interference here.
Wandering Aengus is a soulful character.
Like him, I caught a glimpse of a dream, then it vanished from my life.
Perhaps I too will become ‘old with wandering, through hollow lands and hilly lands’ before I find out where my true love has gone.
The poem so poignantly describes lost love.
Wandering Aengus caught a glimpse of ‘a glimmering girl’ who ‘faded through the brightening air’. He spent the rest of his life gently holding onto the hope of finding her again, of bringing the dream out of fantasy world and into reality, ‘to kiss her lips and take her hand’.
This is not the sadness of a broken heart.
Instead it is a delightfully innocent and romantic optimism, hopeful with the possibility of one day living the dream, believing that magic and mystery are alive and at work in our lives.
To live in the magic and mystery, that is the life of a yogi, a mystic, a seeker. This is what our hearts long for...not to have all our desires fulfilled, but to love deeply and to live life fully in all of its magic and mystery.
Bridge Pose for Grief
Sunday morning, I woke, had coffee, walked the dog, did the dishes, then drove up to the foothills for a walk through the bush, but the strong winds on the ridgetop blew away my resiliance.After two mintues of walking down the start of the track I turned around and headed back up to the car, tears starting to flow uncontrollably. The tidal wave of grief rose even higher when I got back home. An hour later the flood of emotion and tears had exhausted and drained me before the grief monster finally receded back into its source again.
Following a subtle impulse, I laid down on my mat in Bridge Pose with the block under my thoracic spine and lifted my pelvis up halfway. The relief I felt was instant and surprised me. I don't know how this pose works, but the pressure of the block edge across T4/T5 alleviated the strong out-of-contol emotions that had consumed me and instilled an instant calm. The area stimulated by the block in this pose is at the back of the heart, perhaps the pressure provides a physical and energetic support to a broken heart...just guessing...
Later on, in the warm evening, my one friend who has stayed alongside me during this tragic journey arrived, and on a whim we drove back up to the top of the track in the foothills. Feeling stronger now, and with a sensitive, silent friend for company, we flew together like ghostly spirits up and down the wild bushland tracks, energised and possessed by strange forces unknown....
6 January 2011
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
Wednesday 5 January 2011
Empty and quiet, that is the mood.
The grief stricken surges of emotion have receded back into their source and I am calm.
I look at Mark's photographs around the house...Who was he? What was that all about?
I still say good morning I love you to Mark through my favourite photo of him in the entrance hall every day, but I know he's moved on now, he doesn't hear me anymore. But the words help me recall and reignite the slowly dying love embers in my heart.
The alarm rouses me at 5.30am. I lay in bed for half and hour, wide awake, but in a dream.
I get up and walk the dog - she stops often, insisting on sitting stubbornly by the main road to imbibe the morning; she’s inhaling warm yeasty wafts from the bakery, she’s watching the early morning traffic, she’s listening to the birds, the rustle of leaves in the breeze, her dog acquaintences barking in far away streets...I have to wait for her to finish her morning meditation before we can move on and turn towards home.
Yoga practice is a shorter one - 45 minutes by the clock - 2 hours by my internal reckoning.
Time is such a relative experience - on that Sunday night, 24 hours after the police told me of Mark's death, I attended a gathering of his neighbours and close friends.
I remember it felt like 2 long weeks had gone by in those 24 hours.
Time warps are real in the same way our dreams are real. It’s just an altered consciousness, as valid as the one we consider ‘normal’.
Back to this morning's 45 minute yoga practice:
Surya Namaskar A and B
A few standing poses: Padahastasana, Padangusthasana, Trikonasanan, PV Trikonasanana, another long hold in Virabhadrasana 2, Prasaritta Padottanasana,
A few backbends: Salabhasana, Dhanurasana, Ustrasana, Urdhva Dhanurasana,
Twists: Knee to chest Twists, Janu Sirsasana,
Finishing poses: Paschimottanasana and Sirsasana.
Nothing special, just calm, quiet maintenance for body and soul.
This hole in my wounded heart will gradually get filled up with yoga practices, working days, family commitments and the mundane chores of daily life.
I want the hole to fill up with love.
Thursday 6 January 2011
The alarm goes off at 5.30am.
Heavy from last night's late dinner shared with my son, I have no impetus to get out of bed, no desire to enter and engage with the day.
I search, but can't find any reason to get up and do yoga.
Friday 7 January 2011
I get up at 6.30am, it's a warm, still morning.
Buffy doesn't want to go for a walk.
I lay down on my mat to start a practice, feeling too tender hearted to launch into sun salutes or standing poses. I start with some easy, gentle stretches.
Sadness is in my body. The emotion has a physical effect on my cellular energy, it’s hard to describe. I can feel the etheric body energy is slightly looser, less dense, less stable, less coherent, the atoms are more dispersed with reduced bonding between them. This may be where the term 'falling apart' comes from. That's exactly how it feels, as if in any moment my contained energy, my ability to ‘keep it all together’ will 'fall apart'.
That is when the tears start to flow.
Watching the process and observing these physical/energetic sensations is fascinating.
I'm exploring the effect of emotion on my physical/energetic body.
Hormones and chemicals are released into the body when we experience a flood of emotion, happiness or sadness, and they in turn effect our entire physiology. We are each a complex and beautiful human system.
Yoga practice is gentle:
Laying on my back I pull a knee to my chest and let the associated joints gently open.
Through Dog Pose I stretch space into my shoulder joints, my spine, my hamstrings, then gently begin to draw muscular energy through my entire body.
I step forward into to a much shorter Half Dog Pose, feet together, then lift one leg at a time and hold it up, pressing firmly BACK into the upper thigh of my standing leg, DOWN into the outer edge of the standing heel, and OUT through the ball of the airborne foot. This is a favourite pre-practice pose. Deep pelvic floor muscles have to be engaged to support my lower spine and to raise my leg higher. I rotate the raised leg hip forward, levelling my hips. I draw my lifted leg in towards centre, directly behind its hip and raise it higher. Coming out of this pose my heart is beating faster, evidence that the pose has challenged me.
Childs Pose, so simple, so comforting, it helps to stretch open the damaged facet joints in my lumbar and sacrum.
Handstand to the wall.
Then an 8 minute Headstand. For the final 5 breaths I press into my forearms, lift my head about one inch off the ground and hold the pose, my head still slightly supported at the back by the strong cup of my hands.
Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana.
I lay back onto a lengthwise block, it massages the muscles of my thoracic spine, alleviating little pockets of tension and opening up my ribcage. I bend up my legs preparing for Bridge Pose, then lift my pelvis up...the block is still under my spine and now the leading edge presses deeply across the muscles, the corners imitating a masseur's knuckles. There must be acupressure points here on the insides of my shoulderblades. I slide an inch or so up and down the block so the skin is pulled tight one way then the other.
I feel like my dog Buffy when she rolls over and swivels her back on the carpet.
Empty and quiet, that is the mood.
The grief stricken surges of emotion have receded back into their source and I am calm.
I look at Mark's photographs around the house...Who was he? What was that all about?
I still say good morning I love you to Mark through my favourite photo of him in the entrance hall every day, but I know he's moved on now, he doesn't hear me anymore. But the words help me recall and reignite the slowly dying love embers in my heart.
The alarm rouses me at 5.30am. I lay in bed for half and hour, wide awake, but in a dream.
I get up and walk the dog - she stops often, insisting on sitting stubbornly by the main road to imbibe the morning; she’s inhaling warm yeasty wafts from the bakery, she’s watching the early morning traffic, she’s listening to the birds, the rustle of leaves in the breeze, her dog acquaintences barking in far away streets...I have to wait for her to finish her morning meditation before we can move on and turn towards home.
Yoga practice is a shorter one - 45 minutes by the clock - 2 hours by my internal reckoning.
Time is such a relative experience - on that Sunday night, 24 hours after the police told me of Mark's death, I attended a gathering of his neighbours and close friends.
I remember it felt like 2 long weeks had gone by in those 24 hours.
Time warps are real in the same way our dreams are real. It’s just an altered consciousness, as valid as the one we consider ‘normal’.
Back to this morning's 45 minute yoga practice:
Surya Namaskar A and B
A few standing poses: Padahastasana, Padangusthasana, Trikonasanan, PV Trikonasanana, another long hold in Virabhadrasana 2, Prasaritta Padottanasana,
A few backbends: Salabhasana, Dhanurasana, Ustrasana, Urdhva Dhanurasana,
Twists: Knee to chest Twists, Janu Sirsasana,
Finishing poses: Paschimottanasana and Sirsasana.
Nothing special, just calm, quiet maintenance for body and soul.
This hole in my wounded heart will gradually get filled up with yoga practices, working days, family commitments and the mundane chores of daily life.
I want the hole to fill up with love.
Thursday 6 January 2011
The alarm goes off at 5.30am.
Heavy from last night's late dinner shared with my son, I have no impetus to get out of bed, no desire to enter and engage with the day.
I search, but can't find any reason to get up and do yoga.
Friday 7 January 2011
I get up at 6.30am, it's a warm, still morning.
Buffy doesn't want to go for a walk.
I lay down on my mat to start a practice, feeling too tender hearted to launch into sun salutes or standing poses. I start with some easy, gentle stretches.
Sadness is in my body. The emotion has a physical effect on my cellular energy, it’s hard to describe. I can feel the etheric body energy is slightly looser, less dense, less stable, less coherent, the atoms are more dispersed with reduced bonding between them. This may be where the term 'falling apart' comes from. That's exactly how it feels, as if in any moment my contained energy, my ability to ‘keep it all together’ will 'fall apart'.
That is when the tears start to flow.
Watching the process and observing these physical/energetic sensations is fascinating.
I'm exploring the effect of emotion on my physical/energetic body.
Hormones and chemicals are released into the body when we experience a flood of emotion, happiness or sadness, and they in turn effect our entire physiology. We are each a complex and beautiful human system.
Yoga practice is gentle:
Laying on my back I pull a knee to my chest and let the associated joints gently open.
Through Dog Pose I stretch space into my shoulder joints, my spine, my hamstrings, then gently begin to draw muscular energy through my entire body.
I step forward into to a much shorter Half Dog Pose, feet together, then lift one leg at a time and hold it up, pressing firmly BACK into the upper thigh of my standing leg, DOWN into the outer edge of the standing heel, and OUT through the ball of the airborne foot. This is a favourite pre-practice pose. Deep pelvic floor muscles have to be engaged to support my lower spine and to raise my leg higher. I rotate the raised leg hip forward, levelling my hips. I draw my lifted leg in towards centre, directly behind its hip and raise it higher. Coming out of this pose my heart is beating faster, evidence that the pose has challenged me.
Childs Pose, so simple, so comforting, it helps to stretch open the damaged facet joints in my lumbar and sacrum.
Handstand to the wall.
Then an 8 minute Headstand. For the final 5 breaths I press into my forearms, lift my head about one inch off the ground and hold the pose, my head still slightly supported at the back by the strong cup of my hands.
Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana.
I lay back onto a lengthwise block, it massages the muscles of my thoracic spine, alleviating little pockets of tension and opening up my ribcage. I bend up my legs preparing for Bridge Pose, then lift my pelvis up...the block is still under my spine and now the leading edge presses deeply across the muscles, the corners imitating a masseur's knuckles. There must be acupressure points here on the insides of my shoulderblades. I slide an inch or so up and down the block so the skin is pulled tight one way then the other.
I feel like my dog Buffy when she rolls over and swivels her back on the carpet.
And like Buffy, today I'm following my primal instincts and indulging in a more sensual yoga practice.
After all I am a human being, a creature of the earth.
I feel.
And I am as sensual as I am spiritual.
3 January 2011
Practice, grief and love
I wake naturally at 6.15am today. This is my last day of holidays, back to work tomorrow.
I roll over, enjoying the freedom of staying in bed with the morning sun shining through the window. From tomorrow I'll rise early.
Mark woke naturally before 5am, sometimes as early as 4am, and he'd be up and straight into the day then. By rising early from tomorrow I'll honour this lovely memory of him, and keep it alive in my body clock. I'll listen out for the first bird heralding the new day and accompany the waking birds in their early morning chatter; I'll call the sun to rise out from the dark, I'll breathe in tune with the earth's rhythms. As the day dawns, so I am reborn, and I will bless whatever each new day brings.
Today I lay in bed and wonder how I'll cope with the harshness of the workplace tomorrow. What shall I say when colleagues blandly ask me "Did you have a nice Christmas and New Year?"
Do I lie and politely say "It was OK, and you?", diverting attention back to them, or do I say "The greatest love of my life died one week before Christmas, so it wasn't a nice Christmas or New Year, but thank you for asking."
How will I explain away my noticeable weight loss (43kg now), the inability to converse on any level or cope with minor stress and deadlines, the unexpected tears, the quick escape to the bathrooms, the red swollen eyes and burning gaze...
Mark's death is still a very raw tragedy in my human life, but I recognise it also as a deeply sacred gift for my spiritual life; I do not want to share this with my work colleagues.
Eight hour days at work will mostly divert me away from my feelings.
When I'm preoccupied, or with company, the grief pretends to be invisible, but its just waiting silently for the next opportunity to rise up like a tidal wave and crash over me.
I've been grateful for this block of time off work. It's allowed me to thoroughly explore and feel the grief and sadness around Mark's death, and to ponder deeply over how and why we came together, the enormous power of our love and why it had to end. It's allowed me the time to feel, reflect, cry and write, all essential balm for the deep wound in my heart, the kind of balm that burns when you put it on, but you know it's doing you good.
I finally get out of bed at 6.45am, make coffee and drink it watching the video of Mark shaving... "we think of yesterdays like they were holidays, bathed in the warmth of the sun..." I rub the the words into my wound every morning, more stinging balm.
I walk the dog, it's cooler this morning but still a clear, sunny day.
I start a yoga practice at 9.30am after ruthlessly cleaning out my clothes cupboard and bagging up for charity anything that hasn't been worn in the past year.
What kind of practice shall I do?
Nothing comes to mind, so I start with Sun Salutes feeling my way into what becomes a one and three quarter hour quiet, morning practice, following my intuition for what body and soul need.
I'm quite happy to follow my nose into a practice now...I have the courage to challenge my physical, mental and spiritual limitations but also the compassion to nurture my self when necessary. The need to follow a traditional sequence or a teacher's directions has been replaced with my own intelligent and sensitive response to the changing phenomenon of my body, mind and spirit.
Today's sequence:
5 Surya Namaskar A
1 Surya Namasakar B
Padangusthasana and Padahastasana
Trikonasana
Parivritta Trikonasana, taking careful inventory of my hip alignment and readjusting them up, down, back and sideways
Urdhva Prasaritta Ekapadasana
Simple lunge to stretch front thighs
Virabhadrasana B, 4 minutes on each side to challenge and develop my staying power
Prasaritta Padottanasana
Virasana - I noticed my twisted pelvis in this pose for the first time, so I consciously shift my sitting bones an inch to the right to correct the misalignment of my spine, hips and pelvis.
Supta Virasana and Paryankasana
Salabhasana
Dhanurasana - after I come down I realise my mind was light years away during the entire stay in the pose. Bad girl. I do it again to redeem myself, mind fully directed to all the changing sensations and now responding authentically to the demands arising in the pose
Ustrasana
Setu Bandha (Bridge) I hold my ankles firmly before pressing up, then pull on them to initiate action in the upper spine. I'm rewarded with little tingles through the upper thoracic vertebrae, energy flooding into this often inaccessible area.
2 x Urdhva Dhanurasana, walking my feet in for the second one
Alternate knees to chest while laying on the back gently releases my lumbar spine out of the backbends then instead of folding forward into Paschimottanasana, I stand up to do Uttanasana with feet slightly apart. These two are almost identical forward bending poses, and either can be used to counter the backbends. Today I need the weight of gravity to flow down my spine in Uttanasana; less muscle power is required in this than in Paschimottanasana to open and release the lumbar joints.
A momentary pause...I need to twist...running through the repertoire of standing and seated twists in my knowledge bank, there's no immediate match for what I need. I step out to Prasaritta Padottanasana, reach for one ankle and find a lovely twisted forward bend, gravity assisting me. That was it. Just follow your nose....
After a twist, the body's energy should be equalised before moving into the inversions.
Paschimottanasana is perfect.
Shoulderstand - I challenge myself to stay for 100 breaths, and I meet the mental and physical challenge - today 100 breaths = 10 minutes.
Halasana
Karna Pindasana, lifting my feet off the floor so the full weight of my curved body will stretch and open my degenerating lumbar and facet joints.
I sit for a minute in Padmasana with hands cupped in my lap to prepare my hips before laying back for Matsyasana.
Suddenly I remember sitting down for meditation late last night, folding my legs into half Padmasana, gently placing one cupped hand over the other, and crying, grief and sadness engulfing me again.
Tears flowed, falling into my cupped hand, one after the other, and I watched them fall as I cried, it was a long way down.
I lay back and do Matsyasana on both sides today.
Dog Pose
Baddha Konasana for 5 minutes with Ujiyya Pranayama and all three bandhas active, this wasn't intentional, it just came naturally. I bend forward feeling the bone on bone restriction that prevents me going further than half way in this pose. It no longer bothers me.
Headstand...shall I try for 100 breaths? After 40 breaths I ask myself if it's the body or the mind that is tiring.
It's not my body - I sense a little boredom, my mind is uneasy, I want to come down - I, I, I, - I is getting in the way. The mysterious power of the will steps in and overrides my 'I', it directs my attention back into the present moment to observe all the sensations of the Headstand - I engage mula bandha and reconnect with the mystical energetic qualities of this pose. This happens again at 50 breaths, and again at 60 breaths.
I come down after 70 breaths - a 10 minute Headstand, the same length as Shoulderstand but the breathing is slower.
Dog Pose
Padmasana with mula bandha and a deep, spiralling twist to each side, squeezing my knees inward to excite the root energy upwards. I repeat it all on the second side.
Then I sit quietly in Padmasana, finely observing the physical and energetic sensations and the tiny trembles stirred up by this practice.
Relaxing into Savasana I hear Glenn Ceresoli's directive "Let your bones return to the earth" and I think immediately of Mark, his bones returning to the earth, his cremation, his freed spirit.
My mind floats away to revisit memories, and the tragic series of events during the retreat. What was Mark feeling at the moment of his death and in the minutes and hours afterwards? The death of my beloved will always haunt me.
A few minutes go by before I realise I've strayed away from Savasana and therefore from the present, but I don't want to let go of my thoughts of Mark. I am clinging, clinging to lost love.
Instead of pulling my mind back to the present and bathing in the bliss of Savasana, I get up off the mat to avoid the present, sit at my new laptop and start writing up my practice notes.
Late afternoon, I drive up to the hills and walk through the bush. I stop halfway up the fire track overlooking the city and feel for Mark's presence. My body fills up with soft sparkling love, as if he's inside of me, loving me, caressing me, enveloping me in arms of love. I shimmer. Is this Mark? Is his disembodied free spirit here with me, making his presence known? Or is this love washing through me the universal Love that is God that I myself am generating?
Does it matter?
I know the love Mark inspired in me has not been extinguished by his death. As I think of him, it flows through me and lingers on after.
I hold on to it.
It is a light shining through me now.
My dear children of love, tread the path of love. This is your highest duty.
You have taken this body to achieve love, which alone is the goal of life.
Live in love, breathe in love, meditate in love, move in love, sing in love, pray in love - die in love.
Purify your thoughts, speech and actions in the fire of love.
Gather and plunge in the sacred ocean of love.
-Swami Sivananda
I roll over, enjoying the freedom of staying in bed with the morning sun shining through the window. From tomorrow I'll rise early.
Mark woke naturally before 5am, sometimes as early as 4am, and he'd be up and straight into the day then. By rising early from tomorrow I'll honour this lovely memory of him, and keep it alive in my body clock. I'll listen out for the first bird heralding the new day and accompany the waking birds in their early morning chatter; I'll call the sun to rise out from the dark, I'll breathe in tune with the earth's rhythms. As the day dawns, so I am reborn, and I will bless whatever each new day brings.
Today I lay in bed and wonder how I'll cope with the harshness of the workplace tomorrow. What shall I say when colleagues blandly ask me "Did you have a nice Christmas and New Year?"
Do I lie and politely say "It was OK, and you?", diverting attention back to them, or do I say "The greatest love of my life died one week before Christmas, so it wasn't a nice Christmas or New Year, but thank you for asking."
How will I explain away my noticeable weight loss (43kg now), the inability to converse on any level or cope with minor stress and deadlines, the unexpected tears, the quick escape to the bathrooms, the red swollen eyes and burning gaze...
Mark's death is still a very raw tragedy in my human life, but I recognise it also as a deeply sacred gift for my spiritual life; I do not want to share this with my work colleagues.
Eight hour days at work will mostly divert me away from my feelings.
When I'm preoccupied, or with company, the grief pretends to be invisible, but its just waiting silently for the next opportunity to rise up like a tidal wave and crash over me.
I've been grateful for this block of time off work. It's allowed me to thoroughly explore and feel the grief and sadness around Mark's death, and to ponder deeply over how and why we came together, the enormous power of our love and why it had to end. It's allowed me the time to feel, reflect, cry and write, all essential balm for the deep wound in my heart, the kind of balm that burns when you put it on, but you know it's doing you good.
I finally get out of bed at 6.45am, make coffee and drink it watching the video of Mark shaving... "we think of yesterdays like they were holidays, bathed in the warmth of the sun..." I rub the the words into my wound every morning, more stinging balm.
I walk the dog, it's cooler this morning but still a clear, sunny day.
I start a yoga practice at 9.30am after ruthlessly cleaning out my clothes cupboard and bagging up for charity anything that hasn't been worn in the past year.
What kind of practice shall I do?
Nothing comes to mind, so I start with Sun Salutes feeling my way into what becomes a one and three quarter hour quiet, morning practice, following my intuition for what body and soul need.
I'm quite happy to follow my nose into a practice now...I have the courage to challenge my physical, mental and spiritual limitations but also the compassion to nurture my self when necessary. The need to follow a traditional sequence or a teacher's directions has been replaced with my own intelligent and sensitive response to the changing phenomenon of my body, mind and spirit.
Today's sequence:
5 Surya Namaskar A
1 Surya Namasakar B
Padangusthasana and Padahastasana
Trikonasana
Parivritta Trikonasana, taking careful inventory of my hip alignment and readjusting them up, down, back and sideways
Urdhva Prasaritta Ekapadasana
Simple lunge to stretch front thighs
Virabhadrasana B, 4 minutes on each side to challenge and develop my staying power
Prasaritta Padottanasana
Virasana - I noticed my twisted pelvis in this pose for the first time, so I consciously shift my sitting bones an inch to the right to correct the misalignment of my spine, hips and pelvis.
Supta Virasana and Paryankasana
Salabhasana
Dhanurasana - after I come down I realise my mind was light years away during the entire stay in the pose. Bad girl. I do it again to redeem myself, mind fully directed to all the changing sensations and now responding authentically to the demands arising in the pose
Ustrasana
Setu Bandha (Bridge) I hold my ankles firmly before pressing up, then pull on them to initiate action in the upper spine. I'm rewarded with little tingles through the upper thoracic vertebrae, energy flooding into this often inaccessible area.
2 x Urdhva Dhanurasana, walking my feet in for the second one
Alternate knees to chest while laying on the back gently releases my lumbar spine out of the backbends then instead of folding forward into Paschimottanasana, I stand up to do Uttanasana with feet slightly apart. These two are almost identical forward bending poses, and either can be used to counter the backbends. Today I need the weight of gravity to flow down my spine in Uttanasana; less muscle power is required in this than in Paschimottanasana to open and release the lumbar joints.
A momentary pause...I need to twist...running through the repertoire of standing and seated twists in my knowledge bank, there's no immediate match for what I need. I step out to Prasaritta Padottanasana, reach for one ankle and find a lovely twisted forward bend, gravity assisting me. That was it. Just follow your nose....
After a twist, the body's energy should be equalised before moving into the inversions.
Paschimottanasana is perfect.
Shoulderstand - I challenge myself to stay for 100 breaths, and I meet the mental and physical challenge - today 100 breaths = 10 minutes.
Halasana
Karna Pindasana, lifting my feet off the floor so the full weight of my curved body will stretch and open my degenerating lumbar and facet joints.
I sit for a minute in Padmasana with hands cupped in my lap to prepare my hips before laying back for Matsyasana.
Suddenly I remember sitting down for meditation late last night, folding my legs into half Padmasana, gently placing one cupped hand over the other, and crying, grief and sadness engulfing me again.
Tears flowed, falling into my cupped hand, one after the other, and I watched them fall as I cried, it was a long way down.
I lay back and do Matsyasana on both sides today.
Dog Pose
Baddha Konasana for 5 minutes with Ujiyya Pranayama and all three bandhas active, this wasn't intentional, it just came naturally. I bend forward feeling the bone on bone restriction that prevents me going further than half way in this pose. It no longer bothers me.
Headstand...shall I try for 100 breaths? After 40 breaths I ask myself if it's the body or the mind that is tiring.
It's not my body - I sense a little boredom, my mind is uneasy, I want to come down - I, I, I, - I is getting in the way. The mysterious power of the will steps in and overrides my 'I', it directs my attention back into the present moment to observe all the sensations of the Headstand - I engage mula bandha and reconnect with the mystical energetic qualities of this pose. This happens again at 50 breaths, and again at 60 breaths.
I come down after 70 breaths - a 10 minute Headstand, the same length as Shoulderstand but the breathing is slower.
Dog Pose
Padmasana with mula bandha and a deep, spiralling twist to each side, squeezing my knees inward to excite the root energy upwards. I repeat it all on the second side.
Then I sit quietly in Padmasana, finely observing the physical and energetic sensations and the tiny trembles stirred up by this practice.
Relaxing into Savasana I hear Glenn Ceresoli's directive "Let your bones return to the earth" and I think immediately of Mark, his bones returning to the earth, his cremation, his freed spirit.
My mind floats away to revisit memories, and the tragic series of events during the retreat. What was Mark feeling at the moment of his death and in the minutes and hours afterwards? The death of my beloved will always haunt me.
A few minutes go by before I realise I've strayed away from Savasana and therefore from the present, but I don't want to let go of my thoughts of Mark. I am clinging, clinging to lost love.
Instead of pulling my mind back to the present and bathing in the bliss of Savasana, I get up off the mat to avoid the present, sit at my new laptop and start writing up my practice notes.
Late afternoon, I drive up to the hills and walk through the bush. I stop halfway up the fire track overlooking the city and feel for Mark's presence. My body fills up with soft sparkling love, as if he's inside of me, loving me, caressing me, enveloping me in arms of love. I shimmer. Is this Mark? Is his disembodied free spirit here with me, making his presence known? Or is this love washing through me the universal Love that is God that I myself am generating?
Does it matter?
I know the love Mark inspired in me has not been extinguished by his death. As I think of him, it flows through me and lingers on after.
I hold on to it.
It is a light shining through me now.
My dear children of love, tread the path of love. This is your highest duty.
You have taken this body to achieve love, which alone is the goal of life.
Live in love, breathe in love, meditate in love, move in love, sing in love, pray in love - die in love.
Purify your thoughts, speech and actions in the fire of love.
Gather and plunge in the sacred ocean of love.
-Swami Sivananda
New Year's Eve
New year's eve is a hot one, 43 degrees centigrade today and still warm tonight.
I'm spending the night alone, by choice.
At 7pm I started a yoga practice, Iyengar's Week 26-30 sequence. I would have been quite happy to have done only the Headstand and Shoulderstand variations - these two inversions are the the greatest gifts handed down to us by the yogis. They rejuvenate the body and mind in ways we may never fully understand.
Once underway with the practice, I just worked quietly through the entire sequence, finishing just after 8.30pm.
Nice way to spend New Years Eve.
8 minutes in Headstand and variations, delighted to find I can easily get into Padmasana in Headstand on the second side (not the first though).
14 minutes in Shoulderstand and variations, loving the Niralamba (hands free) balances.
Of the three abdominal poses (Jatara Parivartanasana, Paripoorna and Ardha Navasana) Jatara was the favourite one tonight and Ardha Navasana with hands behind the head was a fizzer, not much core strength in my belly tonight.
I woke up somewhere far away with Mark during the series of forward bends.
Was he watching me?
Is he in the bedroom with me?
I am always alert for signs, tuned into the other world waiting for a faint message, a feeling, a loving whisper.
He would always sit at the table in the ballroom working on his computer while I did my morning yoga practice in the bedroom, he was very careful not to disturb me. Only once did he walk in to say goodbye while I was in a Headstand.
I am mad with love, and no one understands my plight.
Only the wounded understand the agonies of the wounded - when a fire rages in the heart.
-Mirabai
I tried to engage with the next pose, Gomukhasana. On the first side I did the wrong version with both feet splayed to the sides of the thighs - still not fully concentrating on what I'm doing. After doing the correct version on the second side sitting on my heel, I got up on an unexpected whim and took a photo of the Wandering Angus poem that I'd decorated and framed yesteday.
Then I sat back on the mat and resumed my yoga practice.
How odd to unconsciously follow an invisible directive to do such a thing.
Lolasana was up next, perhaps I was procrastinating.
Padmasana variations, Virasana variations, Marichy 3, Ardha Matsyendrasana, Baddha Konasana without a forward bend tonight, Down Dog, Chaturanga, then Upward Dog (I swapped the order of these last two poses as it felt more familiar), some backbends, then Utkatasana and Uttanasana, and I even enjoyed Garudasana at the end of the sequence - it tested the mental quietude I'd developed over the practice. Can I do it without judgement or questioning? yes.
A small salad for dinner and the rest of the evening's mine.
The end of 2010...the year I found, and then lost, the love of my life.
I'm spending the night alone, by choice.
At 7pm I started a yoga practice, Iyengar's Week 26-30 sequence. I would have been quite happy to have done only the Headstand and Shoulderstand variations - these two inversions are the the greatest gifts handed down to us by the yogis. They rejuvenate the body and mind in ways we may never fully understand.
Once underway with the practice, I just worked quietly through the entire sequence, finishing just after 8.30pm.
Nice way to spend New Years Eve.
8 minutes in Headstand and variations, delighted to find I can easily get into Padmasana in Headstand on the second side (not the first though).
14 minutes in Shoulderstand and variations, loving the Niralamba (hands free) balances.
Of the three abdominal poses (Jatara Parivartanasana, Paripoorna and Ardha Navasana) Jatara was the favourite one tonight and Ardha Navasana with hands behind the head was a fizzer, not much core strength in my belly tonight.
I woke up somewhere far away with Mark during the series of forward bends.
Was he watching me?
Is he in the bedroom with me?
I am always alert for signs, tuned into the other world waiting for a faint message, a feeling, a loving whisper.
He would always sit at the table in the ballroom working on his computer while I did my morning yoga practice in the bedroom, he was very careful not to disturb me. Only once did he walk in to say goodbye while I was in a Headstand.
I am mad with love, and no one understands my plight.
Only the wounded understand the agonies of the wounded - when a fire rages in the heart.
-Mirabai
I tried to engage with the next pose, Gomukhasana. On the first side I did the wrong version with both feet splayed to the sides of the thighs - still not fully concentrating on what I'm doing. After doing the correct version on the second side sitting on my heel, I got up on an unexpected whim and took a photo of the Wandering Angus poem that I'd decorated and framed yesteday.
Then I sat back on the mat and resumed my yoga practice.
How odd to unconsciously follow an invisible directive to do such a thing.
Lolasana was up next, perhaps I was procrastinating.
Padmasana variations, Virasana variations, Marichy 3, Ardha Matsyendrasana, Baddha Konasana without a forward bend tonight, Down Dog, Chaturanga, then Upward Dog (I swapped the order of these last two poses as it felt more familiar), some backbends, then Utkatasana and Uttanasana, and I even enjoyed Garudasana at the end of the sequence - it tested the mental quietude I'd developed over the practice. Can I do it without judgement or questioning? yes.
A small salad for dinner and the rest of the evening's mine.
The end of 2010...the year I found, and then lost, the love of my life.
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