When the heart is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting
Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring
Michael Leunig
When death breaks the shared heart, the world bursts into flames.
There seems nowhere to turn.
And all we can do is sit down where we are and let the images and absences burn.
Until our tears extinguish the flames and leave the world smoldering.
When, eventually, the smoke begins to clear, in months or years, a few blades of new grass may be seen emerging from the spent embers.
The broken heart slowly reuniting in a profound appreciation of all that had been.
The shared heart mending into the oneness.
Absolute absence dissolving into ultimate inseparability as the mind of grief sinks into the heart of healing.
Melting into a single-heartedness, the relationship continues, in or out of the body.
Stephen Levine
'Embracing the Beloved'
Today's yoga test - Urdhva Prasarita Ekapadasana - which leg is up and which hand holds the ankle? (answer below)
After climbing mountains with a friend this morning, my body was charged with prana but just slightly weary from the long, rocky climbs - an unusual paradox. Raw food is making a huge difference to my energy levels and this energy is clear, clean and light.
I rested a little after lunch, then did some reading and a couple of hours of meditation.
After getting home from a late afternoon long dog walk, my stomach was empty and growling. If I'd eaten dinner then I wouldn't have done a yoga practice tonight. Instead I chose to practice on the empty stomach, defying my usual behaviour.
What kind of practice should I do this evening?
I had plenty of energy but my body was still weary from the climbing this morning...and I had to take into account that it was too early in the menstrual cycle to do any inversions.
I could just get on the mat and see where it takes me, but I spy Light on Yoga in the corner of the room and flick open to the page where the 3 day course is listed. It is prefaced with the following statement from Mr Iyengar:
"For those who are satisfied with this first course I will now give a short three-day course which whenever followed will benefit the body and bring harmony to the mind."
The Day 1 sequence starts with Headstand and Shoulderstand, then progresses to abdominal poses, a long series of twists, 4 backbends, and then finishes with Dog Pose, Uttanasana and some Pranayama.
Day 2 starts with Headstand and Shoulderstand and includes all their variations which makes up a third of this sequence. After that is a real mixture of poses: Jatara, Urdhva Prasarita Padasana (supine leg lift), Mahamudra, then the usual sequence of forward bends, Urdhva Mukha Paschimottanasana, and a couple of twists. It finishes with Baddha Konasana, Uttanasana and Pranayama.
I opted for the Day 3 sequence, firstly because it only had one inversion - Headstand, which I replaced with Dog Pose - and secondly because it didn't have any of the twisting poses that were the focus of yesterday's practice - my hips are still recovering from that sequence.
Replacing the 10 minute Headstand with Dog Pose might sound like an easy option, but I held that Dog Pose for 10 minutes!
I hadn't done one of those challenging, extended Dog Poses for a long time. It's a mind training exercise, especially when you hit the 5 minute mark and the arms begin to quiver, the shoulders ache and every ounce of your body weight becomes evident. That first urge to come out of the pose has to be clearly observed and identified before following the habitual action to listen to it.
The habits of my 'ego-mind' fascinate me - they rule my instinctive behaviour most of the time, especially during periods when I'm not meditating regularly, when I get out of the habit of watching my mind.
"It's only sub-conscious when we are sub-attentive."
Getting to the 5 minute mark in Dog Pose with the onset of pose fatigue, was an opportunity to over-rule the unconscious directive to get out of the pose. I replaced it with a strong commitment to stay and observe.
A 10 minute Dog Pose is an extraordinarily simple but powerful exercise for transformation.
It highlights how forceful the ego can be in telling us what to do, but also shows how liberating it can be to identify this and to draw on a higher power, our will, to over-ride it.
Following this initial Dog Pose (which should have been a Headstand) came a long series of standing poses - all the usual ones as per an Ashtanga sequence minus the two balancing poses (UHP and Ardha Baddha Padma Padmottanansana). There are a few extra poses in this sequence that I hadn't done for quite some time which injects a refreshing boost to practice sometimes:
Virabhadrasana 3 - I was so surprised that I could hold this pose strongly - the last time I attempted it in Darren's class my lumbar still couldn't support the leg lift or the hold;
Ardha Chandrasana (half moon balancing pose) which I enjoyed so much that I held it for 8 breaths on each side;
Urdhva Prasarita Ekapadasana (Standing Splits - like a one legged Uttanasana with the other leg raised to the ceiling) - when I entered this pose my body couldn't remember which hand should be on the floor and which hand holds the standing leg ankle (why didn't I stop and check the image in Light on Yoga I now ask?), so I tried both hand positions thinking one would feel more 'right' than the other, but it didn't, they both felt odd. I love the silhouetted image above because you can't tell which leg is raised in comparison to which hand is on the floor which was exactly my dilemma.
After practice I did look this up and the hand that holds the ankle is on the same side as the raised leg.
Raising that leg as high as possible is a wonderful expression of many qualities we want to bring to our mind: strength, balance and the courage to extend up and out beyond our boundaries. Suddenly and unexpectedly I discover the beauty of this pose, and the subtle transformational qualities it can effect on the mind. I'm sure I'd be shocked to see the height of my raised leg (or lack of it to be more correct), but suddenly I am loving this difficult pose and all that it promises to bring if I work on it regularly in each practice - which I shall, and to satisfy my curiosity I shall also measure my progress by taking the occasional image...
(Not until after practice did I realise that this pose shouldn't be done while menstruating because of the inverted position of the pelvis - ooops.)
Garudasana (Eagle) and Parighasana (Gate) were the other poses I hadn't done for ages...nice to revisit these to test out the unfamiliar balance and my somatic memory, but also to bring to them the more sophisticated understanding and deeper insights that I practice with these days.
Parivritta Parsvakonasana is a pose that physically and emotionally challenges me. Once upon a time I could bind and twist deeply, and hold the pose with stability. I loved the deep squeeze of this pose. Now, the joints in my lumbar spine don't allow my body to combine the knee to chest position with a twist anymore, so I have to be very careful.
Tonight I decided to do this pose as we did in Glenn Ceresoli's workshop in January - starting with the back knee bent to the floor and toes tucked under, getting a deep abdominal twist and wedging the elbow to the outside of the bent knee, then EVER-SO-SLOWLY raising the back knee off the ground WITHOUT RAISING THE FRONT BUTTOCK BONE even an inch. The thigh of the back leg must be firmly pressed up like in Dog Pose, but the front buttock bone must be descending to the floor with the side torso twisting and pressing on to the front thigh. I love the oppositional action of raising the back leg while lowering the front buttock - the mind must split to simultaneously engage the back leg thigh while lowering the front leg thigh - for me the central axis of the mind split meets in the perineum and stimulates the core energetic centre of the perineum.
The set of standing poses is followed by two backbends, then Virasana, Supta Virasana and Paryankasana. My knees weren't happy about moving straight into Padmasana after these poses, there hadn't been any warm ups and for the knees Padmasana is an extreme counterpostion to Virasana. The knee shock wore off quickly - Padmasana came easily along with the Padmasana variations that followed. The sequence wound down with Gomukasana, Lolasana, Simhasana and Paschimottanasana.
It took just over an hour (not including Savasana) and was a perfect choice for tonight.
What a luxury...instead of wasting this precious block of time off, I'll use it wisely and do some serious yoga and meditation.
Yoga came first - it took a little while to work out what would be the most beneficial and appropriate practice to do this morning, but after an hour of writing and a quick blog surf it appeared - I came across Matthew Sweeney's Chandra Krama sequence. I'd never heard of this sequence before. Intuitively I sensed it was perfect for me on day two of my menstrual period.
The sequence took me two and a half hours which included a 15 minute Savasana, quite a marathon, especially as it unrelentingly targets the hips and pelvis, areas that have hardened up to protect my damaged lumbar spine .
Before I started I tried a mathematical equation to work out how long it might take: I thought I would do a one and a half hour practice, so I divided that by the number of poses in the sequence, and it worked out to about 30 seconds for each pose - not likely...
It was 10.30am, I had all day...
Chandra Krama is a great sequence, there were sections that dug deep into my hips and excavated deeply held tension. The Gomukasana forward bends were excruciatingly painful for me...not in a physical way, more like being confronted with a truth about yourself that's blatantly ugly.
Holding Gomukasana in an upright position is relatively easy for me, but as soon as I try to go forward, the blockage is right there in my face. I can't go more than a few inches. Its the same when I try to go forward in Baddha Konasana or Virasana.
The blockage isn't muscular tension...rather, when my hips are in these positions, the forward movement is blocked by bone on bone - and there's not much I can do to change that unless the cartilage grows back in my facet joints to separate and grease the worn down bones. Some muscular tension is inevitably held in this area for protective reasons, and its interesting to visit these 'stuck' places to see how much tension can actually be released.
I'm a firm believer that whatever tension we release in the body, a corresponding tension is released in the mind - and vice versa, when a mental block is brought to our attention and we recognise it, face up to it and release it, there comes a corresponding release of stuck subtle energy somewhere in the body.
The Chandra Krama sequence focusses on deeply twisting in the hips - standing poses include Parivritta Trikonasana and Parivritta Parsvakonasana; try doing Parsvottanasana with hands interlocked behind your back and lifted up to the ceiling - that was another surprise pose for me and it took a good deal of leg strength to hold it.
I loved the counter poses inserted between the twists, especially Supta Paschimottanasana followed by Setu Bandha Sarvangasana (Bridge). Every Bridge pose had to be gently squeezed up and open, my hips gratefully giving up their protective tension to find liberation in the open vulnerability.
The twisted variation in the Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana prep pose was a new one for me which left me unsure of exactly what I was supposed to be doing apart from not hurting myself.
On the home stretch are a few supine poses with legs vertical, legs split sideways, legs bent with feet together etc. I got to the Baddha Konasana one and couldn't work out how the model on the poster (is it Matthew?) could keep his legs in that position without holding his feet! Aaahhh, then it dawned on me - this final group of poses were supposed to be done with legs up the wall, which wasn't clear in the tiny poster pictures that I found on a random website.
And legs up the wall was bliss.
Since I've been more regularly doing half Ashtanga practices in the mornings and an evening Iyengar Week 31-35 sequence I'd forgotten about the Iyengar luxury of 'restorative' poses. Legs up the wall (Viparitta Karani) is the beloved queen of all restorative poses.
Post practice I tried to ascertain any special nuances or changes in my subtle energy, but there was nothing special except that general feeling of well being.
After practice, a late lunch: a giant bowl of coleslaw full of sunflower sprouts and a couple of dolmades. Not an completely raw food lunch today, but I have to eat up my campfood.
Silence
2 hours of meditation followed my late lunch.
Did I say meditation? Hardly!
More like 2 hours in a half dream state - though the occasional fleeting recognition that my tenuous hold on the breath was lost in the fog provided a momentary spark of insight.
Despite being lost in fog, the simple act of sitting silently for two hours quietened my energy field, heightened my sensitivity and altered my consciousness in a weirdly deep way.
The time had not been wasted.
There is something very special about silence.
Not the kind of silence that is simply the absence of noise, but the kind of silence that is rich and fully inhabited.
Those times I've been away camping alone, immersed in my own private world of silence and solitude I've become attuned to this rich, fertile silence. Silence grows around me as I sit, then it creeps up my sides and enters my ears, like a magic beanstalk that grows in the night. And the funny thing is that the longer you are immersed silence, the more you can hear, so the closer you get to silence the more it recedes.
I packed all the camping gear and food in up my car last night and settled into bed around 10.30pm. The alarm woke me at 5am. All I had to do was have a quick shower, get in the car and head off. I turned off the alarm, and laid in bed, wide awake. Rain was pouring down outside.
There and then, I changed my mind about camping.
I got up, had coffee and unpacked the car.
The weather is dismal this weekend, wind and rain. I guess that was the major factor in my decision to postpone the camping trip though being confined to a tent when its raining and wild outside actually isn't so bad - I think it was more the thought of arriving at the campsite and trying to put up the tent in torrential rain that deterred me. This is a fine example of mental sabotage because I may have arrived at the campsite under clear skies.
Perhaps there were enough other little factors in the equation to help to tip the scales:
1) The onset of a heavy menstrual period yesterday which was making me feel inert and female. Replacing the urge to 'pack up and get away on an adventure' was a more compelling urge to be 'quietly nurtured in a safe environment' - I blame hormonal fluctuations and testosterone deficiency today. Hormones can influence us in very primal ways.
2) Another factor is that the round trip to the camping site is 9 hours - 4.5 hours each way - equivalent to my entire Monday off work.
Is it worth it? Most of the time, yes!
But with rain pouring down outside and blood pouring forth from the inside, the answer today was no!
Family and friends expected me to be away and uncontactable this weekend and I didn't bother to call them and tell them otherwise. Instead I'm using the solitude at home as a semi retreat (and a 'female' nurturing spirit weekend).
By the after noon the rain had eased off a little. Reminiscing over the magical times I've had in that tent I feel disappointed with my change of plans. A big part of me needed to be out in the bush. I'll have to work up the courage to negotiate another long weekend with my new boss.
nd consumption of raw food has sky rocketed over the last two weeks.