For some time in the month of November the darkness lifted and gentle promptings moved me to re-engage with the external world. There was the slightest tinge of optimism in my state of being.
Mornings were easier to face, getting up for Kosta's led yoga class wasn't difficult.
I made contact with Renate and joined her for yoga practice on a couple of Saturday mornings.
I began feeling stronger, lighter, more willing to connect.
As 13th December approached - one year since Mark died - I began to sink slowly back down beneath the surface again. Waves of sadness are now washing softly over me.
Its quieter down here.
The idea for a ritual to commemorate 13th December every year is coming together in my art therapy sessions with Rebekah (although yesterday I changed my mind and had scrapped the entire idea).
It will take the form of a soft light piece of fabric, a pashmina perhaps or a shawl.
It will be embroidered with the words from the final scene of Ghost:
"the love inside, you take it with you".
The sewing of the words will be a sacred undertaking, an intimate pact with eternity.
I'll embroider 13 December 2010 somewhere on the fabric.
Then I'll embroider on this year's date (2011).
Then each year I'll embroider the new year onto the shawl with great care and love, and take it with me to the creek by Silverlake Road.
With each passing year, the distance between then and now, will be one year wider. My existence is ephemeral. Inherent in the sewing of each year onto the shawl is a marking of time, a countdown - it is a stark reminder that I have no control over the passage of earthly time, the aging of my body, and the count down to my inevitable death.
Wrapped in the shawl, I'll sit next to the hidden creek where Mark had his yabby net, where he took me on that first day I visited his cottage, the day that he snapped the photo of me in the long, green dappled grass, just two months before he died. We were both so filled with our love that day.
The love inside, you take it with you...
Enveloped in the shawl and in Mark's love, I'll sit, and allow the words to permeate, to flavour the surrounding space, to ripple outwards and echo through dimensions, to reach all those souls who have departed, and who still hold great love in their hearts.
Life, death and love will be interwoven into this fabric, and indelibly stamped on 13th December.